Crucial Conversations and GREAT NEWS!

Alex asked me a couple of days ago how my blog is going and I had to admit to him that I hadn't posted in over a week.  Life has just felt hectic or maybe the right word is stressful.  I am going to go with stress filled and anxiety ridden. HAHAHA

There are a numerous things in our lives that can cause us anxiety and/or stress and it is different for each of us.  And while there are numerous things that can cause those feelings, there is an endless supply of 'lists' out there that tell us how to handle it.  Sometimes I just need more than a list.  It's times like that, that make me incredibly grateful for the people in my life that I can talk to about anything.  Let's face it... not everyone you know is a safe person to talk to. 

We are reading a book at work called, Crucial Conversations. 

Do you know what a Crucial Conversation is?   It is a discussion between two or more people where 1) opinions vary, 2) stakes are high, and 3) emotions run strong.

As it turns out, when a crucial conversation needs to be had, I tend to go silent.  (there was a test in the book) . Are you like that?  You might surprise yourself.   I think the there is a large number of us that back away from crucial conversations because we fear making matters worse.  There are all kinds of tactics that can be used to avoid touchy issues.

In my life right now, there is a touchy issue at work that I wish I could address and a couple of touchy issues in my personal world that I wish I could address.

Since it was recently Martin Luther King Jr Day - I think a quote of his is appropriate right here:

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."

But here is the problem....I don't like conflict.  BUT - when I am silent and avoiding conversations that need to be had, my insides get tied up in knots.  This is where stress and anxiety enter in.

But here's the thing... sometimes when you need to talk about something and you know the other person is going to be angry or confrontational, or you know what you have to say will hurt their feelings, it is just plain easier to be quiet.  Now I realize that doesn't fix anything and that it most often leads to bigger issues and since I know that, I am really self-critical about how I do or don't have conversations that need to be had.

I hope that as this book discussion progresses, that I will earn how to create conditions that make dialogue easier.

Enough of that...

My great news you ask?  I am going to be a GRANDMA again!!!!!!  I am SO blessed and SO excited and SO thrilled for the kids.  More details in a later post.

The just of this post... we are given this life to learn and grow.  I am definitely doing that... and always trying to become better.  That, my friends, is part of finding joy in the journey.

Emotions

So lately I have been doing a deeper dive into emotions.  I mean, my blog, and guide this year is finding joy in the journey, right?!

Webster's defines joy as this:
1a : the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires : delight. b : the expression or exhibition of such emotion : gaiety. 2 : a state of happiness or felicity : bliss. 3 : a source or cause of delight. joy.

Do you think that you can know joy without saddness?

Do you think that others can steal your joy?

Do you think that people can control you with their emotions?

Let's dive into these, shall we?

Have you seen the movie, Inside Out?  I love this movie because it teaches us a lot of lessons about ourselves and how our brains are wired.  If you recall, Joy,Fear, Anger, Disgust,  and Sadness all live within our noggin and the control how our temperament is - by whichever one is hogging the control panel of our brains.  Have you ever wondered what anger makes you do? Sadness?  Is there a button that makes you want to curl up under the covers and cry?

In the movie, the relationship between Joy and Sadness is interesting and teaches great lessons.  Remember when Joy draws a circle and tells Sadness to stay inside of it?! HAHAHAHA - I find that HILARIOUS.  As if our Sadness is going to listen to Joy.

Joy spends so much time trying to control Sadness and things just get messier and messier. In the end, Joy discovers that Sadness plays as critical of a role as Joy.  I wonder though... is it easier for us to give control over to Sadness?

This is my answer to the first question:

I believe that the amount of joy one can feel is directly related to the depth of sadness they have experienced. I think that joy is a comparative emotion.  If you have experienced intense sadness, I believe you will definitely recognize when you are feeling joy.

My answer to question two:

I know that I have said this before, but I am saying it again.... it can be hard sometimes to feel joy on a regular basis.  We get distracted, rushed and overwhelmed. We are always running around and crossing things off our lists and then adding more to it.  Some days we are just getting by, staying afloat.   Maybe someone cuts you off in traffic?  Maybe a family member makes a verbal jab at you or your boss gives you a bad performance review.

Life's annoyances can steal our joy.  People can steal out joy. Situations and circumstances can steal your joy. Don't let them.  Easier said than done... but I think it can be done... with practice.

My answer to the third question:

Let me preface this bit with...  if you have someone in your life like this....  please DO NOT let them steal your joy.

Have you heard the word narcissism?  Probably.  Anyway -narcissism is usually associate with things like boundary violation, manipulations, superficial charm, grandstanding.  However, not all narcissists are openly grandiose and outwardly intrusive.  There is this thing called the introverted narcissist, or also known as the covert narcissist.   Let me clarify though - not all introverts are narcissistic.  The ones who are though, may have a way of influencing others around them to feel off-balance and/or insecure.

What both extrovert and introvert narcissists have in common is their employment of an outer veneer of superiority, to disguise their inner sense of vulnerability. While the extroverted narcissist will say, in so many ways, that “I’m better than you”, the introverted narcissist will strongly hint at it.*

This next bit is taken from Psychology Today:

Below are seven signs of a covert introvert narcissist:

1. Quiet Smugness/Superiority

Many extrovert narcissists are fairly easy to spot, with their grandiose mannerisms and attention-seeking machinations. Introvert narcissists, on the other hand, can be more difficult to pinpoint, at least at the outset. They tend to observe (judgmentally) rather than act, and listen (half-heartedly) rather than speak. Yet, their quieter brand of superiority complex betrays itself through aloof detachment and disconcerting nonverbal cues. They may not express their negativity outright, but you get the distinct sense that they are barely tolerant with their lack of eye contact, condescending glare, eye-rolling, dismissive gestures, groans and sighs, high distractibility, quick boredom, impolite yawns, and overall inattentiveness. When they do speak, their comments tend to be critical and judgmental, focusing on their own conceited views.

This seemingly impenetrable smugness is, of course, a front, covering a sense of vulnerability within. Part of the insecurity may be the inability to relate to people meaningfully as human beings.

“One cries because one is sad…I cry because others are stupid, and that makes me sad.”

― from Big Bang Theory

2. Self-Absorption

One of the most common characteristics of an introverted narcissist is a sense of “withdrawn self-centeredness”. While many introverts are more quiet but good listeners, introvert narcissists tend to be reticent and poor listeners. Often, they will make a quick assessment of a person or situation, find it uninteresting, flawed, or unworthy of their attention, and mentally tune out (block you out). While most mature adults are capable of recognizing nuances of issues, and giving people the benefit of the doubt, introvert narcissists tend to focus on only what they selfishly want and find agreeable. All else might be labeled as “boring” or “stupid”.article continues after advertisement

3. Lack of Empathy

“You’re sick? But what about driving me to the mall?”

― Anonymous

Both extrovert and introvert narcissists share this trait. Narcissists are often oblivious to, or dismissive of others’ thoughts and feelings. Even when you tell them how their attitudes and actions are generating adverse consequences, their response will be more about themselves. Such is the self-absorption.

4. Passive-Aggressiveness

Some introverted narcissists deal with disagreeable people or circumstances in passive-aggressive ways. Upon receiving a reasonable request from you, they might say “okay,” “yes,” “of course,” or “as you wish,” then either do nothing, or behave however they please. When you inquire why they didn’t follow-through on an arrangement, they may shrug it off with an excuse, or say nonchalantly that their way is better.

5. Highly Sensitive

Psychiatrist Glen Gabbard notes that some introverted narcissists are “exquisitely sensitive”. They tend to be affronted by any signs of real or perceived slights, and handle criticism poorly. In the face of negative feedback, some introvert narcissists will defend with an increased sense of superior smugness and dismissal (fight), while others will respond with sullen withdraw (flight). Typically, they will not let on how much the negative experience bothers them, and instead use their well-rehearsed aloofness to continue their schema.

Of course, not all highly sensitive people are narcissistic. What distinguishes the narcissist is their falsely constructed superiority complex.

6. The “Misunderstood Special Person”

The self-perceptions of some introverted narcissists include notions such as: “I’m special,” “I’m one-of a kind,” “I’m ahead of my time,” “I’m so unique no one understands me,” and “I’m so smart I’m above everyone else.” Statements such as these reveal common narcissistic tendencies of superiority, grandiosity, and entitlement. By constructing the superficial believe that one is “exceptional”, the introvert narcissist creates a reassuring role, submerging the fearful and vulnerable true self. article continues after advertisement

7. Impersonal and Difficult Relationships

As mentioned earlier, part of the introvert narcissist’s insecurity is the inability to genuinely connect with people. To this extent, the aloofness and/or smugness serve as a defensive mechanism keeping people away, lest the narcissist is exposed for her or his interpersonal inadequacies. Some introvert narcissists narrowly focus on self-absorbing work, technology, social networking, small cliques, books, games, fantasies, and/or other endeavors to minimize wider human interactions. These activities may also help them enact their covert, self-important personas.

Harder Than I Thought....

Blogging that is.  I don't know if that is due to where I am at in my life or what but it is definitely proving more difficult than when I did the boys mission blogs.

Along with Random Thoughts......

Work feels overwhelming... not sure why.... I just know that my to-do lists are quite long and it seems like I am never able to get ahead.   Ever since I took this job I have wanted to put processes in place and have documents outlining procedures and I literally NEVER HAVE TIME to do that.

I've been so exhausted.... we are talking serious chronic fatigue that just comes out of nowhere and takes over my body.

And I have to mention the extreme cold we are having.  Each winter I wonder why I live in Iowa?  Of course it only takes 1 beautiful sunset or sunrise to answer that question BUT still... I dislike winter very much.  I have always been cold... but since losing all this weight - I am even more cold.  If that's possible.

On a completely different note.... this year for Come Follow Me, we are studying the Book of Mormon.  Last week when I was studying about Nephi slaying Laban I had this epiphany that I have never had before... and I have read the Book of Mormon several times.  People will ask, why did Nephi have to slay Laban? I have even wondered that myself.  It seems like there would have been other ways to get the plates.  Well, it dawned on me that perhaps the lesson is how obedient are we when we believe we know better than the Lord? Nephi was a smart young man and he did not want to kill Laban. I have always loved Nephi for his amazing example of Faith in the Lord.  I hope this year as I read, I will find new nuggets of wisdom about Nephi that I never considered before. It is also possible that the Lord was giving Laban SO MANY chances to do the right thing.  I think He does do that - give us so many chances.  But ultimately... the ramification of not getting the plates would have been just too severe.

My last random share of the day is about listening to the radio on the way in to work the other day.  They were discussing how you can know if a song is one of your top 5. One of the ways they suggested was if you could listen to it 11 times in a row without getting tired of it.  Here is one of mine....

Happy 13th Anniversary!

Today is mine and Alex's 13th wedding anniversary! 

I know that the Lord knew exactly what He was doing when He put us together. On one particular date, we went bowling and the Lord taught us a lesson that I will never forget.

We set up a lane that had each of us bowling our own game and then a third player that was both of us.  I kid you not, every single time it was the third players turn...one of us would bowl a split and the other would make it a strike.  Like literally EVERY.SINGLE.TIME!  Isn't that crazy?!

That is just one example of the many ways the Lord was teaching us when we were dating.

I think, as humans, we have a tendency to be very self-centered. I believe that it is within our relationships with others, that we truly grow in character.

55 lbs?! Really?!

So yesterday was my three week check-up with my bariatric surgeon.  At this appointment I learned that I have lost a total of 55lbs so far.  Now, you might hear that and say , "WOW" but let me tell you what I hear....  "Is that all?"  I hope I will be able to get past this feeling... stay tuned.

For those who follow me on Facebook, I posted a side by side of my highest weight and now.  One would think that I could look at that photo and see the differences and then be really proud of myself. But.. that isn't really where my head goes.

Weight has always been a struggle for me.  It goes up and it goes down within a range of 20 - 30 lbs.  That has always been the case. In a discussion today I realized that in the past I would eat a bag of Fritos or drink a soda and think, that isn't a lot.  Well, hello- that isn't the point. HAHA...  It is SO important that we pay attention to what we are putting in our mouths.

Therefore I have come to the conclusion that it is officially about the macros and WHAT you are putting in your mouth.

Let me take a minute and dispel any myths about weight loss surgery being the 'easy' way out.  I have done A LOT of hard things in my life but this one takes the cake. (a really yummy chocolately cake)  I went through a rigorous approval process that included a mental evaluation.  Then for two weeks before surgery, I was on a liquid diet. After surgery, I was two weeks on a liquid diet and giving myself blood thinner injections.  So the diet after surgery is progressive... you have 200 calories a day for 2 weeks, then 300 calories... and so on and so forth.

Right now I currently average 600 calories a day. I am getting in 60 grams of protein a day - at least.  I am drinking 64 oz of water a day - at least.  I exercise every day and I am trying to do some strengthening exercises.

Did you know that 55 lbs of weight is equal to a 5000 btu air conditioner, or 6 cats or 1/2 a octopus?  Can you imagine if you had to carry an air conditioner around with you ALL DAY, EVERY DAY?!

55 lbs = 44 basketballs
55lbs = 249 blueberry muffins!

Someone suggested I go to the store and try to pick up something that weighs 55 lbs and get a real sense of how much that is.

Positive things I have noticed?  Well, just like when I was doing clean-eating, my mental health is better, my energy is better, I can move more, I am no longer on bp meds, and I no longer need a CPAP machine.

Not that anyone reading this needs to know this but my reasons for doing this was 'medical necessity.' This procedure is supposed to help slow down some of the onset of my chronic illness.  I remember being in one of my pre-op nutrition classes and discussing exercise, the PT person asked if anyone has pain issues - I was the ONLY one who raised their hand.  How is that even possible?!

So here is to better mental health and a stronger physical body in 2020~ #joyinmyjourney

Oh Monday....

Today is my first day back to work in almost a month.  To say it is kickin' my can would be an understatement.

.......7 hours later.....

Something weird happened to me at work today.  I knew I felt tired but then I just felt like I was losing my ability to think clearly.  I have been having some issues with the nerve endings in my body, for lack of another description.  Anyway, I took some medicine for my issue and I don't know what happened but it completely wiped me out.  I was literally talking to my boss and then the next thing I hear is, 'are you okay?'  Anyway.... I came home and went to bed.

So today I am going to blog about finding joy in the midst of chronic illness.

Joy conjures up different visions for each of us.  It is a feeling that can be simple or grand, experienced in a multitude of ways and occur when we least expect it.

I have a chronic illness.  Some days I hardly notice it and other days it loudly lets me know it is alive and well.  So how does one find joy in the midst of living with a chronic illness. Often, my focus becomes on managing pain and symptoms, and figuring out how to deal with things I never asked for.

Chronic illness can keep you from doing the things you want to do.  Believe it or not, I wanted to work today.  I have a lot to do!

Here are a few things I have learned:

• It is OK to Slow Down.

Chronic illness has a special way of reminding us that we need to slow down. Just to be clear, slowing down does not mean you have given up or you are letting your disease win. It simply means you are respecting where your body is right now and reaping the benefits. By slowing down, we can enjoy the moment we are in in its purest form.

• You MUST Practice Self-care

We are a busy society with very full schedules that generally don’t allow for self-care. Instead, we keep going until our bodies finally say, “no more.” At this point, a full flare takes over – our bodies amazing way of demanding we slow down and take care of ourselves.

Take today for instance... my boss said, you go home and rest.  Your health is the first priority.  I would want to push through... but he is encouraging and supportive.  I am SO grateful for that.

Self-care is 100% necessary for everyone, but even more so when living with a chronic illness. At first it might selfish to set time aside for yourself. But keep at it. Soon, you will see that it not only helps your body, but also allows you to feel joy in ways you may never have experienced it.

A few simple self-care starter ideas:
Add five minutes to your daily routine to stop and just breathe
Step away from the computer/phone and thank one part of your body for the amazing work it is doing
Hug someone you love. When hugging them, really feel it. If you do, that amazing feeling will stay with you all day

I LOVE hugging!!!  I also have a great friend that is good at reminding me of the importance of self-care.  It is definitely NOT selfish - it is necessary.

• Find Gratitude

Finding gratitude while in pain takes time and patience with yourself. There have been plenty of times when I could barely walk.... however, at the end of the day, I tried to be grateful for making it through the day.  While the pain was awful and I hate it- I made it through.

Recently we went to Australia and I do SO much walking.  There were times I really hated it but I remembered that there was a time when I never would have been able to do all that walking.  I am incredibly blessed and working on loving and appreciating my body even when it is in pain.

To me, gratitude is magical. When I reflect on one good thing that is happening, my mind instantly thinks of another one and then another. Feeling joy rather than anger is a much better place to be.

Start each day with two things you feel gratitude towards and before nodding off to sleep, remind yourself of two things from the day. 

• Remember that chronic illness is only one part of your life

While your health condition may intertwine itself in all parts of your life, it is not your entire existence. Other things are still happening around you. Look for those things – a delicious meal, snuggling with your sweetheart, or laughing and/or playing with your grandchild. Feeling terrible all day every day takes a lot of work. Separate your illness, even for a short time, and feel the energy that comes from the joy remaining in other areas of your life.

• Find your purpose

When you know your purpose in life and you are making it happen, joy naturally follows. I am surprised at how many people don’t know their purpose in life. What I suggest is thinking about things that you are naturally drawn to repeatedly or the things that others complement you on. For some people, their purpose may be as simple as having a smile that turns other people’s days into beautiful ones.

Do you know your purpose? It changes as life brings us new challenges. When you find it, absorb all the joy that it brings with it.

• Lastly - and one of my favorites!!!  Connect with people who find joy in your joy

One of the best feelings is when you share something wonderful, no matter how small, and the person you are sharing it with beams. They don’t try to compete with you or even feel the need to share something of their own. They just bask in your joy. Find those people, surround yourself with them, and then give that gift right back.

For all the wonderful people in my life that find JOY in my JOY - THANK YOU!!!!!
#JOYINMYJOURNEY


REMINDER - Joy is ever-changing. What brings you joy today may be different tomorrow. Keep searching for it. Keep spreading it.

Steering Your Joy

Personally, I do not believe that JOY comes from external sources.  Do I think that external factors can bring you JOY?  Heck yes!

However, I believe that being able to access genuine JOY from inside is crucial. So how do we do that?

I ordered a book today called, 'The Joy Compass: Eight Ways to Find Lasting Happiness, Gratitude, and Optimism in the Present Moment' by Donald Altman.  One of the things he says is that joy is a state of moment to moment being and experiencing. So basically, being aware.   Sounds easy enough, right?

Well, yesterday was a tough day for me and I knew during the days leading up to it that it was going to be challenging so I made sure that those closest to me knew where I was at.  I consider that a win because rather than burying my feelings and getting stuck in the mire, I acknowledged where I was at. Is that being aware?  I am not sure but I am looking forward to reading the book when it arrives.

In the midst of my day yesterday, one of my daughter-in-laws reached out to me with this video:

If you watched that video without smiling and/or laughing, I have no idea how you did it. haha.  You know what?  I felt a real, true sense of JOY when I watched that.  

Have you heard the old adage, "Laughter is the Best Medicine" Well, I think that there is a lot of truth to that.

As I mentioned before, I love research.  Well, research has shown that laughter can bolster physical health and reduce stress.  A study I read found that cancer patients who watched a humorous video had increased immune function.  Another study I found said that laughter helps stave off depression.  Do you think that is true?

I do!

So... laugh!!  Read something funny, watch a funny video....  whatever it is for you, do it!

#joyinmyjourney

 

And So It Begins....

The journey that is.  I am looking forward to discovering more about myself through this process.

Today is 19 years since my Mic was called back to our Father in Heaven.  19 Years - where has all that time gone.  When I talk about, why joy, I mentioned that nothing is more certain that change. I can honestly say that losing Mic was one of, if not thee, greatest challenge in my life.  People who know me well have heard me say this before but for those who haven't.... here goes....  when Mic died, I feel like I had my whole life mapped out on this big chalkboard and that Heavenly Father came up with a big eraser and wiped the board... I fell to a huge pile of tears and he lifted me up and said, it is okay... you will draw a new map and I will be with you the whole time.   Now this isn't to say that he wiped away anything other than my idea of what my life would be like.  To say it was traumatic is an understatement.

I have learned so much about myself in the last 19 years.  I am grateful for that. I know that 19 years ago, I would not have used the word grateful to describe anything related to losing Mic.  See... growth!

It hasn't been easy.
I wouldn't trade a thing.
#joyinmyjourney

Since we are beginning a new year, I want to take a minute and share a few highlights from this year, in no particular order:

• The kids came to visit us in Iowa.
• Michael & Kaitlyn were sealed for time & all eternity.
• Our granddaughter, Amara Rae, was born.
• Halley got a job that she thoroughly loves.
• I had weight loss surgery.
• We spent 18 days in Australia.
• Jake & Kenlee moved to Oregon and Jake has begun an amazing career.
• Michael picked up a new hobby (leather-making!) 
• Ring around the rosie with Emery.
• Alex & Halley went to Seattle together.

This is just a small list of all the wonderful things that have happened in my life in the last year.  I am incredibly blessed with a husband who loves me, amazing children, beautiful daughter-in-laws, and adorable granddaughters.